The Do’s and Don’ts of Compassionate Communication

Communication is key, especially when we are supporting people living with Dementia. We know that Dementia can impact on a person’s ability to communicate in the way they otherwise would, this guide to compassionate communication aims to help you to adjust your communication to help the person you support. It is really important to remember that none of us are perfect and from time to time we get things wrong. Please practice kindness, not only with the person you are communicating with, but with yourself as well. At times when communication hasn’t gone as well as you would like it to, please don’t treat yourself harshly, we talk to ourselves more than we talk to anyone else in our lives. If you wouldn’t say it to your friend, don’t say it to yourself.

What to avoid when talking to a person with Dementia:
Don’t argue – pick your battles
Don’t remind them that they have forgotten
Don’t question their memory of recent events
Don’t reason
Don’t make them think that they are stupid
Don’t repeat instructions by using different words every time
Don’t take it personally if they react negatively
Don’t punish yourself for doing your best
Don’t punish them for not understanding
Don’t try to drag someone into your reality or timeline, you need to join them in theirs

What to do when talking to a person with Dementia:
Give them plenty of time to comprehend what you have said
You don’t have to just communicate verbally, touch, writing and body language are all good methods of communicating
Repeat what you have said using the same words when making requests or giving instructions
Avoid conflict wherever possible, even if you need to leave the room
Accept blame (even if you are not at fault, even if it is not easy)
For difficult requests or topics, blame can be placed on neutral third parties
Try to be as relaxed as possible
Practice forgiveness for the person you are communicating with as well as yourself
Avoid insisting where possible, try again later
When communication is difficult, try distraction onto another topic or activity
Respond to emotions and feelings rather than the words used

Practice passion and forgiveness, both for you and the person living with Dementia

Some examples of effective Compassionate Communication:

Person with Dementia: You have stolen my purse! Give it back to me!
Don’t: How dare you say I stole from you! I don’t have your purse!
Do: I’m sorry you have lost your purse; I don’t have it but I can help you look for it.

Person with Dementia (after they have eaten dinner): I’m starving! I haven’t eaten for ages.
Don’t: You just had dinner! I’m not making you any more food.
Do: Shall I make you a sandwich?

Person with Dementia: I don’t see why I have to go to the doctor, there is nothing wrong with me.
Don’t: You know you’ve been unwell; it’s taken me ages to get this appointment.
Do: It’s just a regular check-up, I’m sorry I forgot to tell you.

Person with Dementia (to their husband): Where is my husband? When is he coming back?
Don’t: What!? Don’t be stupid, I’m your husband, we’ve been married for 45 years!
Do: He’s just popped out; he will be back soon. I’ll keep you company; shall I make us a cup of tea?

Person with Dementia: Are we going out today?
Don’t: Yes, put your shoes, the blue ones. Come on, blue shoes, hurry up! Shoes on, now, come on! COME ON, WE’RE GOING TO BE LATE!
Do: Yes, we are. Please put your blue shoes on. Please put your blue shoes on.

Please bear in mind……………

Dementia is a progressive disease. Sadly, there is currently no way of stopping that progression. This means that every day will present you with new challenges. You cannot control the Dementia but, you can control your reaction to it.

Dementia is a physical health condition, where changes are occurring to the structure of the brain. Insisting that the person is not trying harder to remember or that they are doing it on purpose is neither helpful or accurate.

Make a positive choice to have a positive reaction and attitude to how you support the person living with Dementia. It won’t always be easy but, it will make life easier for both of you.

Reminding the person with Dementia about what they have forgotten is rarely the kindest option. This is particularly accurate when talking about bereavement and loss.

When in doubt, chose the kindest and most compassionate option. Forgive yourself if you occasionally get that wrong. Seek support if you always get it wrong.

Trying to get a person with a memory problem to remember or understand that they have a memory problem is both unkind and unhelpful, to both of you.

There are services available to help you and the person living with Dementia, to have the best life possible. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help, you are not alone.

Dementia Information & Support Courses CIC
admin@discdementiasupport.org
Emma 07591 250988 Louise 07591 251005
www.discdementiasupport.org